Inferiority complex in a relationship

So did I tell you guys that I have a super handsome bf? :P We're together since 2 years now...yay!! :)

Initially when he started showing interest in me, I was very skeptical. It was hard to believe that such a handsome and smart man would be interested in someone like me. When we got together I would say a million times how I don't know why he likes me when he can get so many other prettier girls. And he would always reassure me how beautiful my personality is.

But then I realized at some point that insecurity is not sexy...confidence is. When you are confident, you are sexy and intriguing to your partner. Initially one has to feign confidence when you don't have it. The phrase "Fake it till you make it", although cliched, is really true. Once you start getting noticed, your confidence increases on its own and you no longer need to feign it. And yes, confidence makes the difference. So all you ladies and gentlemen out there who feel bad about themselves, smile and try to be confident and it will soon come to you naturally :)

Comparison with parents

I had once uploaded a picture of my parents. It's a really beautiful picture. My parents were really really good-looking when they were young. There were scores of comments on the picture and then the inevitable happened. "Are you sure you're their child?". People can be so cruel.

Another time when I showed it to somebody they comment "I'm sorry to say but your parents are more beautiful than you". Why do they have to point that out? Why can't they just say "Your parents were really good-looking" and just leave it at that? Why the fucking comparison?

I have it better than my poor brother though. He is even a bit overweight. At least my figure is quite good and in that way represents my parents' genes. But it's better to not look as good as them but be as smart as them rather than being the other way round.

"Friends" who always comment on your appearance

I have acquaintances who live in the same building as I do. As I was entering my home, I saw one of them. She was carrying some stuff when I noticed a couple of paintings in her hand. I asked her if she made them since I know that she painted. She said "Yes" and showed them with pride. I praised her for her talent.

And what's the next thing she asks me? Why are your eyes so puffed up? You look so tired, as if you've just woken up. I smiled, said something in my defense and excused myself.

The truth is that my eyes always appear a bit puffy. Normally I wouldn't care but I wish people would let me be in that state of mind. Bitches like herself always notice too much into your appearance and are manner-less enough to comment on it. In fact, it almost tempts me to comment that she seems to have gained weight. But I cannot bring myself to make such a remark on anybody's appearance. Perhaps I should learn to do so.

Later at night I was watching a documentary on 'The string theory' when this female's friend pings me on chat. What does she have to say? "Did you check out my nail art?". It irritated me to no end for some reason. I said "No, but I'll check now" and then I checked and said "Nice". Then she's like "Then why don't you comment on it?". That's when I blew her off saying I'm not interested in these things and I gave her my opinion only because she had asked for it. Perhaps I was a bit rude but I was utterly irritated, first having been disturbed from what I was doing for a petty thing like this and secondly to pester me for a nice comment on facebook.

I think it is pathetic how some people need so much approval for their appearance but are so stingy in giving some to others.

What's with the thinness?

So I recently visited home in India after more than a year. The very expected reaction was "My God! You've grown so thin! You've become half of what you were!".

Now if I am asked to choose between believing a naked human eye or a weighing machine, I would go with the latter, which ironically tells me that I have not lost a single pound. So what's with the comments? I have my own theory for that.

People seem to forget just how thin I am originally, i.e., their brains cannot retain the simple information of my natural state of thinness. So every time they see me, they seem to think I have lost weight. I know what is going to happen when I go back to Germany again. Same reactions and comments. I feel like putting a note on my forehead saying "I know you think I am thin so don't bother announcing it". Also it will hide some acne marks on my forehead...lol.

I also don't understand why harassing someone on being thin is okay when it is considered totally rude to bug someone for being fat. People need to learn some manners.

Shopping discrimination

I don't know if I am paranoid or if this is real but a lot of times I feel as if shop owners feel irritated by my presence. At least until I join the queue at the cash counter in the end with some stuff. They seem to think that I am not going to buy anything since I do not 'look rich'. It makes them feel that I am simply increasing their work. Again, nothing can be done except ignoring. I guess I am getting quite good at this ignoring thing. Reminding myself that they are stupid helps a lot.

It is true that beauty is to some extent a reflection of how much money you've got but it's not the case always. Personally, I do not put make up because I do not feel comfortable with this stuff on my face and even if I did, it's not good for me as I have acne.

I am a hairy person. I've got dark and course hair everywhere. Hair removal, especially on my legs, causes me to get ingrown hair. And my underarms are not beautiful. As you might know, I belong to a race where a lot of women have underarms that are darker than the rest of the arm. So I am normally dressed conservatively and without make up, probably making me look poor. I don't completely blame people for judging me like that because most of the times generalizations are true to some extent but I do hope that once in a while people treat me exactly the same way as a beautiful person is treated...a beautiful person who is much much poorer would get a ten-fold respect from everyone. I just wish the world was not so unfair. Anyway I should be happy that my life is totally great apart from the fact that I'm ugly. And surely there are people who are uglier than me so probably I should try to focus my attention on their plight instead.

Advantages of being ugly

So everyone's talking about how being ugly is horrible and the worst thing ever. But there are some great advantages to it too: -

1) Since you know you're ugly, you put in more effort to develop other traits of your personality such as charm and humour which most people find attractive.

2) You know that whatever you have achieved is because of your hard-work and dedication and has nothing to do with your looks. If anything, you might have had to work extra hard to counter the ill-effects your looks might have created. So essentially, you totally deserve your current position of success.

3) You don't have to be worried about people flirting with you casually only to leave you heart-broken in the end. You know that if somebody seems interested then they must REALLY be interested since they care to hang out with you despite how you look. So they indeed must be interested in you as a person.

4) People are comfortable around you because they never feel inferiority complex as far as looks are concerned.

So all you ugly people out there...you might have more than what you think! Cheer up and live your life to the fullest!

Classification of people based on their reaction to my acne

So over the time I have seen people react differently to my ugly face. I classify them here:-

1) The ignorers:
A lot of people come into this category. I love them. I don't care about honesty here. If you are appalled at my face, just disguise it! Please do it for my sake, I beg you! It at least gives me hope that there is a 50% chance that you actually don't care about it, the other 50% being that you are disguising your true feelings.

The ignorers can be further sub-classified: -
a) The friendly ones: These are the ones who either pity me or look beyond my face and are nice to me. Needless to say, I survive because of them.
b) The real ignorers: They don't talk to me. I still don't know how much of it has to do with my face but I know that it has a big part to play. My absolutely gorgeous friend gets big smiles and friendly conversations everywhere she goes.

2) The triers:
There are people who try to ignore and disguise but fail. So these are people who, no matter how hard they try, cannot help drifting to your scars during a conversation. I feel very uncomfortable with them and even around them.

3) The direct ones:
These are people who will meet you once or twice and that's all they need to announce to me that I have these scars. Well, thanks for letting me know you dumbass! Apparently I do not know the existence of a mirror so that I have never bought one which is why I am totally unaware of how I look!

4) The 'helpers':
I HATE THEM! Not because they are trying to help but mostly because they seem to think I am not trying to do anything about it. They set out to prove that I am not working hard enough for it. Yes you idiot! I really enjoy being hideous, so why would I do anything about it? They seem to think that every person who has acne is because they are not working hard enough to get rid of it. They don't realize that getting to know the root cause of it and to rid it takes time. If you get Tuberculosis you have to take medication for at least a year before you are completely cured. I give a sample conversation: -

Helper: You know you have TB and it makes you very weak and unhealthy.
TB patient: Yes I know.
Helper: Why don't you do something about it?
TB patient: Yes I am taking medication.
Helper: Well apparently it is not working for you.
TB patient: It takes time to heal completely. (For acne, to get the right cure is a whole different issue!)
Helper: You know you should try this...and that....and that too....blah blah.
TB patient (irritated and uninterested): Yeah okay.
Helper: See this is your problem. You are not trying hard enough. You are so uninterested.
TB patient (to herself/himself): Shut the fuck up already!

I think I haven't missed anyone. If it were not for the friendly ignorers, I don't know how I would be surviving :( It's hard.